Grieving

 

In October, Don and I lost a dear friend, Roy Quiriconi. Sue, his wife, lost her soulmate of more than fifty years. If you saw our documentary Showing Up, you caught a glimpse of Roy and Sue. He was a man who explored life with passion and heart.

 

Since his death, I have checked in with Sue most days. Losing Roy and listening to Sue’s grief has made me keenly aware of the challenges of grieving. Holidays can be an especially complicated time to grieve. There are so many parties and celebrations.  Yet, at family gatherings, there is an empty chair at the table. That empty chair is a reminder that they won’t be sharing this special time with an important person.

 

One of the teachings in the women’s circles reminds us that we don’t have to match each other’s emotions. If one woman is struggling, that doesn’t prevent another from sharing her own joy. We can be mindful of tender feelings without dimming our own light. Grieving people do not need for us to forgo our happiness. They need us to be present to their pain. They want to know that their loss has touched our heart.

 

This blog is a reminder that woven between all the joy and good times, some of us are not feeling all that joyful.

 

Yet, we don’t serve them by becoming less celebratory.

 

We serve them through sensitivity and compassion.

 

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to give them space. We can offer a quiet, unhurried conversation. Grief has its own rhythms. By allowing it room to breathe, we honor both the person they have lost and the one who’s grieving.

 

Presence rarely means doing. It simply means being there.

 

There is no timeline for grief. Riding its waves can take a lifetime. It unfolds continuously. It is sometimes a tender memory and in other moments it is the sharp pain of loss. One moment you may feel as if you’ve moved forward, and then an unwitting reminder brings back the ache of your loss.

 

This is a tender holiday for us and Roy’s family. And still, Don and I look forward to gathering with our friends and family. There will be laughter, storytelling and delicious food. Yes, it is freezing outside, but we will be warmed by each other’s company.  We will also toast Roy and likely tell some of our favorite Roy stories, there are many!

 

Yet, in a quiet corner of our hearts, we will hold vigil for all those who know too well how precious these moments truly are.